back...

well,
i came home.
long story short, after 5 days of different buses and beds i took a plane from buenos aires to atlanta, then to charlotte where i split a rental car with a guy going back to danville virginia. i didn't tell a soul, surprised my parents, sister, friends in boone, victoria.

why did i come back? because i felt it was time, don't really have a better reason than that. i've learned to trust more in myself, my instincts, and i knew about a month ago that i'd be coming home in december. i've been here for almost two weeks, and it has put me on my ass. really.

i struggle to find my place here, to realize and accept that lives have continued to be lived, that change is a constant, and that i now am home without a job and staying in my parent's basement (a blessing to have that option). trying to come home without expectations, and not telling anyone has put me alone, feeling alone, and only a continuation of the foreign feeling that i've had for the past three months.
it is hard. it is good and beautiful to have people who care and love for me, and to feel that too. but damn it is hard and i'm trying to figure out how to create my life. because that is what i have to do, create something that does not have a plan, and i am realizing that quickly.

i know not what the future holds, and now that feeling of freedom that was so liberating is still here with me, but now it feels more like a noose than a collar, and i am able to talk fluidly but still struggle to communicate. i do not doubt the Lords provision because i have known it so obviously, but it is hard, and i've found it is impossible to have faith without doubt.
i am blessed, i know this too.
thanks for all your prayers and thoughts, i don't suppose i'll be updating this too much at least for a while.
love joshua